Looking back....

Over the course of this term I have learned that peer evaluation is worth it's weight in gold. I have always had some issues accepting criticism with grace, but I now realize that if it makes the project you're working on better, its not criticism, it's assistance. I have always enjoyed writing, it is actually something I do in my free time (although usually not on medical research). I really feel as though this course has enabled me to write more substantially. I have also enjoyed reading other people's papers as the information was quite interesting. I still find that organized writing is slightly difficult, but I'm sure that with more practice it will get easier. I also am still having difficulty designating enough time to properly study and dedicate just to school, but I'm also trying to fix my schedule so that it won't be so difficult in future classes.

The end is near....

When I was little and I did something stupid, which unfortunately is often, my mother would "biff" me. What this is is she took the palm of her hand and bopped me in the forehead while saying "biff". Now I always resented it b/c at the time I never felt that what I did was stupid (looking back I realized she really should have biffed me harder). A couple days ago my son was trying to stand on a pile of haphazardly piled books. Of course the result of this was him falling and hitting his elbow. So he comes up to me looking for comfort and before I could stop myself I biffed him. He just looked at me and stopped crying, I swear he then realized what he did wasn't smart, and picked up the books and put them away. With children of my own I now realize exactly how enlightening a biff could be. And do you know what mom did when I told her of the incident? She biffed me.

5 little monkeys jumping on the bed.....

It has come to my attention that as children grow older they tend to feel as if their parents know nothing at all. Even as young as my children are sometimes I feel as if they're looking at me with a "what do you know" look. For instance, the other day I told my daughter Kylie to pay attention to where she's going and not where she's been. Not 5 minutes after that she ran smack dab into a wall. After I got done laughing (I know, not nice - but it was hilarious) she got mad at me for laughing at her. "Why are you laughing at me mommy, its not funny!" Seeing as she wasn't seriously hurt, it made me laugh more. I told her, if you would have listened to me, it wouldn't have happened in the first place. On occassion, mommy does know what she's talking about. She looked straight at me and said "no you don't". Now as I start to think about the years to come (she's only 5) I imagine that there are going to be some pretty interesting times in store for me and my children. I just hope that I'll be able to stop laughing long enough to take care of them :)

Something I needed to write

Thank You For

I look into the mirror
And stare into my eyes,
And all I see within their depths
Is emptiness and lies.
But it makes no difference at all
Because it can't begin to compare
To the pain dwelling deep inside -
Pain that makes me feel cold and bare.
The spirit I once had in me,
Is gone and won't come back
But there's no one to blame but me
For this invited attack.
This world I can no longer face
The grief and shame are too much to bear
I can't handle these feelings anymore -
So I'm just going to stop trying to care.
All this I say to you
With tears in my eyes and a shattered soul
I thank yoiu for the emptiness and pain
And when you're done with it -
Could you give back the pride, faith, and hope of love that you stole.

Friends

I have found, for whatever reason, that I really do not like people. Because of this I have had the same 5 friends for over 10 years now. I believe in quality, not quantity especially when it comes to friends and people I choose to share my life with. The problem now is that we are literally spread from one end of this country to the other. My very best friend is in Washington state and recently married. I've got one 2 in different coast of FL, one in TX, and one in NC. I find it difficut to meet new people, as I am typically a reserved person. I have been told that I come off as snotty, and even (pardon my mouth) as a cold bitch. It is not intentional, and maybe I am a bitch. It is what it is. I'm up and down - if you catch me on a good day it could be possible that we'll become friends. If you catch me on a bad day - its probably best that you don't even talk to me. I usually say things I regret come the next day. Many people have told me (family included) that I have an attitude problem. I like to think of it as a problem with people who are stupid and incompetent. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other, right? So back to the real problem :) I miss having my friends with me. The ones that know me best and still love me (attitude and all). I am hoping that soon we will all be able to get together!

I wonder, wonder, wonder.....

Who wrote the book of love? When were young (and dumb) we often have this picture of how love is supposed to be. It's perfect - the person you are with knows you better than you know yourself, you're always happy and there are NEVER any problems. Now, ENTER REALITY. Here comes bills, kids, responsiblity, work and school. How's that picture looking now - getting a little fuzzy yet? Looking back on how things were, how you want them to be and how they are makes you realize exactly how different each view is. This is how I think of those moments, that make you think that everything is perfect..... You're standing on a crossroad - you see two roads - the road you were supposed to take, and the one you've chosen. Those perfect moments, in my mind at least, are when those two paths meet. When your exactly where you're supposed to be, at the exact moment you're supposed to be there, with the exact person/people you're supposed to be with. So now, as I sit here sad and pissed off and my bf is in the garage pissed off and beating a motor into submission, I'm going to just relax and wait it out hoping that soon we come to some sort of impasse without saying things that neither will ever forget.

Crazy is as crazy does......

Sometimes I really wonder why I do the things I do. Do other people's mind really function like mine? I certainly hope not, if they do, I offer my condolences. My thought process is so backwards most of the time I feel like i'm running in reverse. I try my hardest to put everything in order, in a way in which it will make things easier on me and the people around me. The best laid plans...... My mother (who has 6 children) has told me numerous times that I need to plan ahead and this will make my life easier. Easier said than done for me. Two things I have learned that well is that Murphy's law seems to apply only to me and I should expect the unexpected. These things seem to be a constant in my life. But on the bright side, my life is never really boring and my mind is always expanding thinking of new ways in which to deal with the situation.

Late is better than never?????

Once again life has put an obstacle in my way in which i am forced to run as fast as I can and throw myself over! This should be something I'm used to though. Having some financial issues which are unfortunately causing family issues. Hoping all will be resolved soon. Not sure what I'm doing anymore these days - my main thoughts being on survival.

Just when I thought......

It seems to me that when I think things are finally starting to get organized and going right something happens to throw me off kilter (is that spelled right?) I lost my job last thursday and I believe it had something to do with an insecure, and in my opinion, ugly (inside and out) woman. She insisted that I was flirting with her husband. In the whole two months I worked there I think I only spoke to him for a total of an hour. It it what it though, I am trying to look at it as an opportunity to find something better. Now I'm back to square one, but with a more positive outlook this time. Hoping that I'll be able to find something that works with the daycare hours (which is extremely difficult!).

Holding Steady....or at least trying

Today has been an especially trying day for me. It started out as an unusually good day, but quickly turned into a really bad day. This is my fourth term at Kaplan, but last term I had a lot of personal issues to deal with and I ended up failing (miserably I might add) both my classes. I found out today when I went to log into my seminar for human diseases and conditions that I am enrolled in the same courses I failed last term. Just wasnt expecting that. I am now faced with having no job again (I found out today that I am being replaced). It always seems as if once things start to go good, something happens to knock me back a few steps. Not quite sure I'm ever going to get used to this feeling of being overwhelmed and scared and frankly - pissed off - all the time. I know that I am a lucky woman, I have a man that loves me and the greatest children anyone could ask for (most days). I would just like, on occasion for the path i'm walking to be a little less bumpy and a little straighter, and not so many mountains to climb. I've decided that for my piece of mind I'm just going to let it go and put it into God's hands because evidently the way I've been doing it lately isn't working. Good luck to all my fellow students.

Out of the mouth of babes.....

This morning when I woke up at 4:00 am to begin my day I was in a really crappy mood (I don't really do mornings all that well). So I got myself ready and sat down with my coffee trying to get in a good mindset when my daughter woke up unexpectedly. So there she stood, dragging her pink Buddie behind her and sucking her thumb looking just as tired and crabby as I'm sure I did. I said, "Good morning baby," and she looked at me and told me out of the clear blue "Don't worry mommy - it'll be okay cause you're the best mommy in the whole world!". Let me tell you how much that made my day! With one sentence my whole day started over and I felt like the luckiest, and most happy person ever. I fully believe that it's these moments, the one's that make you step back and re-evaluate exactly what you have to be grateful for that make all the negative things seem so small and unimportant. For all of my classmates who are lucky enough to be parents I hope that when you are feeling down and out you remember that God has given you a gift that is a never ending source of complete happiness.

Still trying to fix my mistakes!!!!!

Although I just posted a blog an hour ago I'm posting another one. Still trying to play catch up and hoping I'm going to win. Here I sit thinking of ways to make extra hours in the day. If you have any ideas, please do not hesitate to tell me - I can use all the help I can get :) The saying that the Lord doesn't give you things that you can't handle is blowing my mind at the moment. The omnipotent being above must think I'm made of stone cause he's loaded enough on my shoulders to crumble a mountain. I try to keep a postive outlook, but lately it's been difficult. I count my blessings that I found a place to live, and my children are healthy, safe, and happy. I also thank God that I now have 3 more chilren to love. I have a good man who wants to help me better myself and loves me for me. Sometimes though it seems the price may be too high to pay for those blessings. 5 children (and sometimes it seems like 6) a new job which takes up the bulk of my time during the week, school work which I'm behind on, daily household duties, the responsibilities that come along with living on my own now: its a little overwhelming. Nothing worth while comes easy though, and I know that things will turn out the way there supposed to!

Playing catch up

It has been a really rough time lately - trying to deal with a place to live, and a new job as well as adding 3 new children to my family. Unfortunately that meant that my school work came to a complete stand still. I am now in the postition where I have to make up 3 weeks of work. This should prove to be a fun time in which I am most likely going to end up going completely nuts. I am going to try my best to do all I can to come back and get the best grade I possibly can!

Life's road is sometimes very bumpy

This last week and a half has been very difficult. I still don't have a place for me and my kids yet, which is very disheartening. Not having a home is very difficult to handle, especially the part where i'm failing my children. The car I was supposed to get isn't working, so now i'm not sure exactly how i'm going to get to work either. I'm behind now in both of my classes and trying my best to catch up all the while trying to complete whats due this week as well. Sometimes I feel like everything is going wrong all at the same time. I'm scared and angry all at the same time. Not sure exactly what I'm going to do knowing that my best isn't good enough lately. Hoping all will get better soon. All my fellow classmates who believe in God, if you've got an extra prayer, I sure could use it.

What a difference!

A little over 2 years ago I moved to PA from beautiful, sunny FL. The purpose of this move, of course, was to be closer to the family. I figured the transition would be a little difficult, the weather being the hardest change to get used to. Boy was I wrong! Now, my fellow PA dwellers, please don't get offended but, the people in the state of PA are miserable, mean people. I don't know if it is just because I've grew up in an extremely friendly, open environment, but I can't get over it. It's like these people have forgotten how to associate with other people. When someone says hello to me (even if I don't know them) I say hello back. Common courtesy, right? People up here act as if saying hello to someone or even just a small smile of acknowledgment is too hard to do. I know its cold, I know it's wet, and I know I want to be back in FL, but come on people - BE NICE! That hello or smile could be the only good thing that happens to someone that day. Ok, done ranting now. Who knows, perhaps someone will read this and it will make a difference. If not, I still got it off my chest :)

Going a little crazy!

My life is a little bit crazy right now! The owner of the house we rent (currently w/parents) sold the house from under us, so now we have 2 weeks to move. My bf and I decided to move in together and I'm a little scared as sometimes I find it difficult to deal with my 2 kids and school and it'll soon be 5 kids (all under age 5), school, and just got a full-time job as well. In the process of finding a place, which is not as easy as I'd hoped it would be. Trying to remember what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, but some days it can be hard! Keeping my head up, though, and trying my best and that's all that I can do.